I expected fireworks this weekend but not drama. You didn’t only move the furniture about; you came through locked doors, smashed windows and walls, and practically levelled the house down the way. And yes, I got the message: no sex before marriage.
In my defence I did ask if you accepted condoms these days and there was no response. I text, sent several emails and even left you a message on that antiquated voice recorder of yours. I know time doesn’t have the same meaning for you but come on, that machine is like something Moses would have used. Whatever happened to the old ways? One word from you and Gabriel would have been here in an instant. Frankly I have to wonder whether you being ‘all knowing’ was ever the case. In truth there are seven billion of us down here now. How you honestly expect to manage all of us individually is beyond me. I had ten in my team last year and there were times when I’d tear my hair out just trying to deal with the day to day. Performance reviews were a nightmare.
Far be it from me to tell you what to do but I have to ask: do you ever delegate? Is that what this is all about? Or is it that you don’t want anyone bar you having a direct relationship so you set up a bunch of rules to try and limit our numbers? How did you ever think that would work? You must know it’s all we ever think about. Take Julie for instance. Before you started throwing all your weight around, making all that noise, flinging lightning bolts back and forth, me and Julie were getting on well. I was drowning in her eyes and every time I stroked her hair I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. Fair enough, I accept that’s probably the wrong sort of metaphor to use in your company but that’s exactly my point. You put the two of us together, you get me all excited, I play my part and get her to come camping with me and just when sparks begin to fly you start behaving like a spoilt child. I wouldn’t have minded a little rumble in the distance or a flash of two on the horizon. That I could have coped with but as soon as you hit the derelict building at the end of the beach it was game over. I have to hand it to you, it was impressive and of course you knew exactly what would happen. What am I saying, of course you knew. When that last bolt hit I didn’t stand a chance. Your climax trumped anything on offer from me. Julie was up and running leaving me with nothing but a memory of what might have been. So look let me say it this way. If you have a plan just tell me.
You know that story about the two sets of footprints on the beach which turn into one and people think it’s because you left but of course you didn’t because you were carrying the other guy. Well I’m not looking to be carried but it would be nice if you could be a little clearer about where I’m headed. In the absence of a sign I’m taking it that you’re leaving it up to me and if that’s the case it would be wonderful if you could just let me get on with it. The way you’re acting right now anyone would think you want me to join the Seminary…ah Christ!
storiesfromadam 